Monday, August 29, 2011

Trying to Stretch

I am trying to stretch my brain.

It feels pretty resistant to this new exercise regime. Applications for grad school, for funding on the go, and still I struggle to even articulate the 'what?' of what I want to study, and thinking beyond the 'what?' to the 'why?' and 'who cares?' makes my mind swim and my heart race. I try to read other people's work, try to let it sink in, try to ruminate (and to breath through the massive self-doubt) while simultaneously wrestling, wrangling and running after stray kids and soccer balls. It all just feels so impossible. And if not this, then what? (The one damn question I can't rid my brain of).

What if my brain refuses to stretch? What if it's lost to years of sleep deprivation and backyard tea parties and hunting for ladybugs? I test out the language that used to roll off my tongue and it feels strange and unwieldy. A game of make-believe. Imposter syndrome already, and I haven't even made it inside those walls.

But still, I'm trying to stretch. I guess that's a start.

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1 comment:

  1. It's *always* hard to stretch after a long time but it WILL come back - don't worry, just let it happen!