Monday, May 9, 2011

the morning after...

Why did I write that?  Why did I make myself vulnerable like that?  What was I thinking? 

Now there are people who read this blog, who I sort of know, but not really, thinking - 'hey -that chick's nuts.'  Or possibly, 'Hey- there goes the queen of overshare!,' which, though likely true at various junctures, isn't something I necessarily want everyone in the whole world to know.  I generally like to present a personae that reads, 'reasonably together,' however real that is (or isn't).  I feel a bit like I forgot to wear pants to school and I'm standing there in my underwear, exposed (and possibly wishing I'd thought to wear cuter underwear).

So what the fuck was I thinking?  Honestly - I'm not sure I was thinking.  Feeling, most definitely, but thinking maybe not so much.  

Am I sorry I wrote it?  Not sure yet. 

Maybe vulnerability on my part, however awkward it feels, will other folks feel less like fuck-ups.  Maybe they can look at me and think, 'sure I can't keep the house clean, but that chick can't keep her house clean AND she can't make it through the day without crying in front of her kids.  I"m not doing too bad.'   Or maybe my vulnerability allows others who know exactly what I'm talking about, to feel less alone.  Like the five brave and lovely commenters from yesterday who added their own voices, experience, encouragment.  (and thank you - you definitely made me feel less alone.)  Maybe I need to let go of the over-achiever bit, and just admit I'm a bit of a fuck-up sometimes, just like everyone else. 

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Whatever the outcome - I can't unsay it.  Cards, meet table.  Let's see what kind of hand I've got.


  1. Hugs. I hate that being in my underwear feeling too. Thanks for sharing your journey :) That's what blogging is all about. Putting it out there.

  2. If there is anything I've learned with this blogging community is that regardless of what's going on, there are people who are here to back you up. I've made the "mistake" of writing a journal-like should've-kept-that-one-to-yourself post and felt like a schmuck afterward... but I take small comfort in the fact that on some weird, virtual plane, there are people out there who see the vulnerability and respect that. I respect your vulnerability, and I don't think you're a horrible mom or a fuck-up (for what it's worth).

    Part of this is building a community, but part of it too is just getting shit out on the page. So, take your readers out of it for a second and realize that you've written and incredibly good "slice" of what's going on with you right now - something you probably needed to write anyway. For you.

    And you may be in your underwear, but I'm here with you in mine too. We get to hide behind usernames and crazy blog titles. If that's what helps us work through shit, then I'm all for it. And I'm all for you taking the chance with this.

    Take care of yourself. And there is not a thing about your story that makes me think you are anything less than human. And honest. And I respect that.

  3. Holy crap, that was long... sorry :$

  4. Thanks for sending love - even when I'm standing there in my underwear (and not the pretty ones).

  5. T, worry not. It's what I, and probably the rest of your readers, really appreciate about you. I am in a similar situation of two great kids and wife and home and blah blah blah but wasn't feeling it either, and I have to say the anti-depressant has helped. It's not perfect but way better than it was before. I hope your sad gets better too. And keep on keeping it real. :)

  6. what they said!!

    don't ever be sorry that you wrote it, bottling things up lead to less than pretty explosions in the long run, in my own personal experience. Reading your blog reminds me that I am not the only one in this kind of situation, no matter how much it feels like it at times. x

  7. Mama T, your honesty is a gift to the rest of us. Any mom that can't relate in some way is ... non-existent! We can all relate, we feel less alone, encouraged, understood. I wish you no regrets or second guessing on your awesome posts!!! Though I am curious if your fret may be less after the meds kick in!