I have been feeling weary lately. Mom-weary, which is like road weary but, you know, for moms. It seems to come and go in waves, and boy-oh-boy are we at the crest right now. My temper is quicker to flare, my impatience is swifter to rise, my voice faster to raise. And my kiddies are yet again getting the shit end of ye olde proverbial stick.
Everything takes a colossal effort. Getting the kitchen clean is a major battle, and the second I win, I'm losing again. Getting the kiddies out the door a Herculean task, requiring more arms, legs and heads than the Goddess Kali (though my mood by the time we finally make it is probably fitting to Kali's wrath). I am unusually reactive to things like whining, even for a second, even when I know in my heart of heart of hearts that said whining is the fault of the crappy nap from the day before and not designed sheerly to piss me off. I'm spending too much time hiding away on the computer and I'm letting Boy-o watch entirely too much tv and leaving Girlio to her own devices far too often because I just have no play left. I'd rather poke out my left eye than play. Really. (And as such, the next person who tells me that they'd just LOVE to be a stay-at-home parent because "How much fun would it be to just play with your kids all day every day?" will think those G8 police batons recently being flashed around with such um, gusto, were fracking feather dusters.)
I need a haircut. I need an eye doctor appointment. I need time to actually pick out the new glasses I need. I need to see the dentist. I need to go shopping for my wifey's birthday. I need time to actually clean the house - the whole house - without the small creatures following me around destroying every room I've just spit-shine (okay - I'm sure you all know I'm not that, erm, precise of a housekeeper, but you catch my drift). I need a casual drop-in daycare. I need a career change. Or maybe just a day off.
Because you know what? My kids are amazing, clever, beautiful and delightful creatures. They're super fun and super funny and cute as wee little buttons (though as an aside, are buttons really that cute?). They are, without hesitation, the best things that have ever befallen my little life. But when I can't get away from them, like, ever - this perspective can be a little slippery in the mama hands.
No break-y = crap, crappy, crap-tastic mama.
Guess who needs to put herself in a time-out?
Mama N - I totally know how you feel - AND I work AND have daycare... why NOT use a drop-in daycare? Or do a switch-off with a neighbourhood mama so you get some of that down-time you crave? I know you are a resourceful, brilliant and awesome mom - and a break sounds like it is needed. This does not make you crap. It makes you HUMAN. And ultimately, a better, more patient, more attentive mother.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
I have been there, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes. You could use a break now and then.
I took my kids two houses down and paid the day care provider who lived there 10 bucks every week to keep them for a couple hours on Monday.
And I went Goodwill hunting, got my hair cut... sometimes, I even came back home and TOOK A NAP.
Take a break.
I hear you. I have an 18 month old and an 11 year old, so very different from where you are, but even though my older one can take of herself, she's in that tween challenging mode that is very tiring in itself. Then of course my son needs constant watching b/c he's into EVERYTHING. And I am a person who needs quite a lot of alone time, which I just don't get enough of these days. He's a good napper and a good sleeper and I really don't have anything to complain about except that some days I just feel DONE and of course I can't be done, my wife works long hours and I'm "on duty" most of the time. I let him watch too much TV and take refuge in a book or the 'puter too often, and I KNOW it's not good for him but I can't seem to help it some days. :( I feel like the worst mother in the world all the time. Ugh. I was going to have my first night away from him since he was BORN, for christ's sake, last Saturday...fun plans with my sister for a dinner and overnight at her house and brunch on Sunday, so fun, and then I woke up with a stomach bug and spent the day lying on the floor of the bathroom instead. Payback for too much TV, probably. :( Trying again this saturday but wondering what new thing will arise and keep me from going. Sigh. Anyway, all this to say, I hear you, sister. :)
ReplyDeleteMust be something in the air, I thought it was just me ;-)
ReplyDelete