Friday, June 25, 2010

bossy know-it-alls

Today I have been blessed by the presence of people who clearly know more about child rearing than me, and really wanted to share their wisdom, which I in turn would like to share with all of you.  Here are a few of the special tidbits I have learned today.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

1.  My son's reading comprehension and abilities are clearly delayed. 
We were picking up some photos at London Drugs, and Boy-o was asking me what different signs say around the store because that's his thing right now.  I read a lot of signs.  A lot.  It's amazing I haven't had a car accident from reading all the signs we pass.  But I digress.  The photo lady pipes in to this conversation and tells Boy-o that he "needs to get on the computer and learn his ABCs."  Then she turns to me and says "You really should teach him to read on the computer."  I tell her, somewhat distractly as Boy-o is practically flinging himself in various directions past breakable things, and I am trying to juggle a 21 pound baby in my arms, along with keys, a wallet, and now a year's worth of baby photographs.   "Yeah - he's only 3 and he does know his ABCs.  He's just not reading yet."   And still she persists: " But my grandson learned to read when he was 2.  On my lap.  On the computer."   Um that's great lady.  I'm not really sure where this pressure to make kids learn to read while practically still in the womb comes from.  He's 3.   I didn't figure he needed to know how to read The Iliad yet, or signs in line ups at London Drugs for that matter.  I thought we'd leave something for him to learn at school so he isn't appallingly bored there.  But apparently Boy-o is dreadfully behind in his learning curve.  So much for those college scholarships we were counting on.

2.  My daughter's learning is also sadly delayed. 
After London Drugs, we head to the doctor for Girlio's one year check ups.  We are late because there is no parking to be found within a ten block radius.  Consequently, we (that would be me) are also sweaty and grumpy when we arrive.  We see the nurse first for our pre-check up check-up.  The nurse goes through a variety of developmental milestone kind of questions and I'm all like, yes, yes blah blah.  Then the nurse asks me:  "Can she understand simple commands: Like go get your shoes?"  And I'm kinda surprised at this one, having never really considered asking the baby that can't walk or talk to go and get her shoes (or fetch me anything else for that matter- and am I the only one that thinks it's weird to ask your baby to fetch her shoes? Anyhoo...).  "I don't know..."   I go for the truthful answer.  The nurse looks at me with a very concerned look on her face: "Oh, well she really should!"  This time I go for the full out lie route and I assure her as earnestly as I can manage that we will get right on the shoe fetching business when we return home.

3.  Fat people must not know about healthy eating and exercise habits for their children, since they obviously have taken such poor care of their own slovenly selves. 
The nurse seemed to really want to impress upon me the importance of eating properly and exercising for the baby (who again, can't walk so probably isn't ready for jazzercize just yet).  Anyways - nursey, after already confirming with me that we do in fact feed the baby appropriate and nutritious foods, felt the need to quiz me on the types of food we feed our child (who is, by the way in the 50th percentile for both height and weight!).  "Do you feed her whole grains?"  Yes.  "All four food groups?"  (SHIT - THERE ARE FOUR?!)  Yes.  Then she actually proceeds to list the food groups for me, in case I am a total idiot.  "Meats and alternatives?"  Yes.  "Dairy?"  Yes.  "Fruits?"  "Vegetables?"  Yes.  Yes.  Breads and Cereals?  Yup.  Check.  Wow.  There really are 4 food groups.

Next, she impresses upon me the importance of physical fitness for children.  I try to make a joke of it and let her know that Boy-o never, ever stops moving and Girlio is fast following in his footsteps.  However. You should know.  Exercise for children is NOT a trifling matter (and again, I suspect doubly so because their mom's a fatty, but whatever).  "Here is a booklet on exercise and healthy eating for kids.  Do you need it?"  Here again, I mistakenly go for honesty.  "No thanks, I think we're good."  (And my recycle box is full).  This is met with total disapproval (and I didn't even say the recycling part out loud!)   This was not the correct answer.  "Oh, well you really should!"  And she proceeds to take me through several of the pages to convince me.  I take the booklet, which is currently sitting in my recycling bin.

Lotta learning for one day.  Tomorrow we'll be sure to do better.  Reading, (possibly some simple algebra so we don't lag too far behind), fetching and all four of those new fangled food groups.  Mama's honour.


  1. My god. They allowed you to reproduce? Clearly, someone was asleep at the switch.

    I sure hope you get your children all caught up by the next time you visit the doctor!!

    I homeschooled my kids.
    And you would not believe how many people, upon learning that, would quiz them about all kinds of stuff.

    Idiots abound.

    And I can't even tell you how many times I've been looked at and dismissed as stupid or slow because of my weight. It's like they look at you and drop 10 points from your estimated IQ for every extra lb.

  2. OMG, you've met my "step-mother-in-law", or Bimbo as she is known. She is now banned from our house after spending the weekend here in April. Luckily we live in different countries, so not a big issue. After the longest 24 hours of my life my kids, according to Bimbo, do not eat properly, don't get enough sleep (right now, they go to bed at 8 and 9pm, any earlier and they are up way before 6am, as we've found out!), hmmm, what else, oh yeah, they'll be educationally stunted because of said lack of sleep, they are way too active, need i go on???????? We need to take them to Mexico (still haven't figured out why), and build them a treehouse. And this from the woman who is banned from seeing her own grandchildren!!

    I too have been dismissed as brain dead as GASP, I chose to be a stay at home mum, who just happens to be packing some extra pounds right now. Short of starving myself, I can't even do too much about that, as I have a chronic illness that doesn't let my body tolerate more than 5 minutes on the wii fit! Any more than that & I need to camp on the sofa for 36 hours until I stop wobbling! Hey ho, if people want to see us that way, that's their prerogative, but don't judge us til you know us huh?

    see you at calculus class....not??? ;D

  3. I wonder what the doctors would say about me letting my kid pick my lotto numbers today because I think he has a touch of the clairvoyance and I could really use a million or 50. That's teaching him his numbers right? At least to 49 ;)

    Oh no wait, he only just kept picking 4 over and over and over and over again because he's 3, but he knows 4 is next and he can't wait because he's having a Buzz Lightgurt party - yup, Light-GURT, not YEAR. Clearly, I too have a delayed child and I guarantee you it's because I'm a chubby mommy ;)

  4. Ahhhh our kiddies are so behind :-)

    I realized that I should clarify (hopefully it came through) that I use the terms fat, fatty etc. as a term of reclamation... like "Hey - look at that hot fat chick! She's smokin'":-)

  5. I keep seeing this stupid tv ad for something called "your baby can read" or similar...WTF? how the hell would i know if he can read...he's not really talking much yet! [at almost 19 months...i know...delayed!] and why would i want him to read? they show this tiny little girl reading 'charlotte's web' and i was kinda horrified...that book is sad! and a little scary! why should a 2 year old be reading it? all kinds of wrongness.

    the nurse thing especially pisses me off...aren't they supposed to be, you know, informed? jeez. sorry, you had quite a day.

  6. - The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon
    - Miseducation: Preschoolers at Risk

    both by David Elkind


  7. Those books look awesome - searching library website asap!