steady or not...

Today, I woke-up thinking a lot about people.  Some of them who aren't in my life anymore.  Some of them who are.

I thought a lot about how funny (not funny ha-ha, funny odd), that you don't un-love people just because they have un-loved, or in some cases, un-liked (literally and/or metaphorically) you. And while having one of those slightly-outside-of-yourself-moments, realizing that I think I'm okay with that.  The one-way loving, I mean.  You think about them and you wish them happiness.  And expect nothing in return. Which is a bloody good thing, on account of if you expected otherwise, it would super-suck. (Um, yes, super-suck is a word.)

Realizing that somehow made me feel a lot calmer and steadier in the world.

I also woke up missing my babies holy-fucking-fiercely (Um, yes, that is also word.  Look it up if you don't believe me).  I haven't seen them in seven days and there are still five to go.  This kind of missing feels like  I'm walking around just a wee bit off-kilter, like I'm missing some random important parts of me that I need to function properly.  The pads of my fingers, maybe, or the soles of my feet.  Little tiny pieces of my heart - out there somewhere - but not available to me.

This, naturally, makes me feel slightly less calm and steady in the world.

So there's me, today.  Staring at the pile of homework.  Willing it to do itself.  Steady and unsteady as she goes...