Monday, January 9, 2012

Repost: Why we don't keep secrets around our house...

We don't use the word secret with our kids, and I blanche when others try to use it with them  (Please don't use this word with my kids, folks!)

Why?  Child sexual abuse (heretofore refered to as CSA for expediency).  And before you dismiss me as being paranoid, I'll tell ya, I'm not at all paranoid about this.  What I am is realistic.  Read the statistics and then do the math (and while you're at it, you might as well add on a gazillion % for all the unreported assaults on children).  The basics are this:  1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience an unwanted sexual act prior to the age of 18.  See more detailed stats below:

We're all on-board for teaching our kids about stranger danger.   We all live in fear of the horrific stranger abduction and abuse of our children (the ice-cream man, the dude at the park, etc.).  I don't want to diminish these fears.  These occurences are real and terrible for all involved.  But these occurences are not how the VAST majority of sexual assaults occur on children.

The sad, sick, vomit-inducing truth is that most children are sexually assaulted by someone they know and trust.  Yes.  Family members, parents, step-parents, grandparents, family friends are responsible for 95% of CSA's.  I'm not shitting you here.  Ninety-five %.   People that we, their parents love and trust.  It's a terrible thought, and one we all don't want to think about.  So naturally, we'll all take a minute to comfort ourselves by saying, "Oh, not my boyfriend/girlfriend, not my wife/husband, not my father, not my uncle, not my best friend Jenny.  All the people I know are safe and wonderful and so great with my kids."   I would probably have a heart-attack from shock if my kids ever told me that someone they knew, someone I knew, hurt them in this way.  But being shocked is entirely different than being unprepared.   And I will not let my love of the people in my life blind me from the reality that most child-assaults happen from those who love us, and whom we love.   I volunteer on a sexual assault crisis line and have talked to many a distraught parent, who believed just like we do, that their children were safe with the people they love.  It happens to kids from all walks of life - not just 'those' people (whomever 'those' people are in your mind), so banish this thought, too.

And why the hating on the word secret?  Because child sexual abuse depends upon secrecy.  "It'll be our little secret.";  "We won't tell anyone about this."  "We can never tell because they won't understand."  These are all part and parcel of how abusers maintain their patterns of abuse.  Children keep their secret - out of fear that they won't be believed, out of loyalty to and love for their abusers, out of feelings of guilt and shame, out of fear due to threats.

So what to do?  Well, for starters - talk about it.  With your family, with other parents, on your facebook, on your twitter, on your blogs, whatever.  Even though it feels yucky and crappy and vomitous - when we talk about it, when we admit to ourselves that these things happen, when we stop treating the subject as taboo - we can be proactive and we can take steps to protect our kids.

1.  Make sure your kids have the language that lets them talk about their body parts.  Kids need to be able to articulate it to you if something is wrong.  Remind them that no one, not even a teacher or close relative, has the right to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
2.  Try not to use the word secret.
3.  Let your littles know that people who love them will not ask them to keep secrets.
4.  Differentiate between secrets and surprises - (Secret = never supposed to tell.  Surprise = mommy's birthday present that she'll open next week.  Big difference there.)
5.  Tell your kids often that you will always believe them  (and then practice what you preach).  And let them know that if they don't feel comfortable telling you something has happened (and kids often tell someone other than their parents about CSA), make sure they know that if the first adult they tell doesn't believe them or won't help, to keep telling, for as long as it takes.
6. Make sure they know that no one has the right to ask them to keep a secret from their parents, and that NO older person should ever ask them to keep a special secret, especially one that makes them feel uneasy, yucky or weird.
7.  When they are old enough, be honest and direct with them about sexual abuse and let them know that you will always believe them, no matter who they are disclosing about.
8.  Probably one of the very, very most important things you can do is to let your kids have bodily integrity.  By this I mean - don't force them to hug you if they don't want to.  Don't make them hug or kiss family members if they don't want to.  Say "would you like to give Auntie Betty a hug goodbye?" instead of "Time to give Auntie Betty a hug goodbye."  Let them make decisions about what feels good or right for their little selves.  They'll let you know if it feels right at any given moment or not.  And don't allow people to guilt your kids into physical affection either: (as in, "Oh, I'll be so sad if I can't have a hug goodbye."  We don't want our kids to learn to give physical affection (however innocuous) in order to make someone else happy.  Yuck-o-rama.
9. Last but not least - teach your kids the proper names for their body parts.  
Yes.  Penis.  Testicles.  Bum.  Vulva.  Vagina.  You know the names I'm talking about.   Because if your kid is trying to tell their teacher that they don't like it when so and so touches their yo-yo, the teacher isn't likely going to make the connection.   Information, and correct information, is the biggest step you can take to ensure that your kids are as safe as they possibly can be, and will be heard if they are unsafe.

*feel free to add any steps you've taken with your kids in the comments*

As parents, we can't always stop bad things from happening to our kids.  What we can do, is arm them with the best possible information and skills to help them avoid bad things, and let them know that if bad stuff does happen, they can tell us anything, we will believe them, and we will stop it.  Period.

For more info on warning signs, where to get help, etc. etc.

Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton

Little Warriors

Serious public service announcement over now.   Feel free to go on about your day.


  1. Thank you for this article. As someone who was molested by my own grandfather, I can't stress enough to other parents that we need to have our children aware of everyone around them, even our most loved family and friends, not just "scary" strangers. Unfortunately, when I told I was not believed (in fact, I was blamed, but that in itself is a whole new kettle of stinky fish) and my telling petered out right there. So I try to tell my kids that if they choose to tell someone other than me or their dad, and they are not believed, KEEP TELLING! I know you had that listed already, but I wish I had known that when I was younger.

  2. really great post and something that is so important. just another addition for your readers, we found the book "it's not the stork" to be extremely helpful to get these conversations started.

  3. Awesome - thanks for the link Kim, and for the feedback Anonymous.

  4. Agree wholeheartedly.

    My mother and some of her siblings (including at least one brother) were molested by their eldest brother's best friend when they were young. They never told on him for fear their mother would blame them. (It was the fifties / sixties . . . she might have.) My cousin and her younger sister were molested by another cousin. And this is just the family sexual abuse I know about.

    Because of her experience, my mom explained inappropriate touching to us from a very early age. It was so effective that I once tattled on my brother for kicking me in the crotch when we were scrapping.

    I will do my utmost to ensure that my future children are given the proper warnings and information about sexual abuse.

    Finally, I wish that schools incorporated sexual-abuse awareness into their curricula. There are many shitty / hyper religious / laissez-faire parents who cannot be depended upon to keep their children safe.

    -A New Reader