anonymity

It's an odd thing, this blogging business.  When I first started out, I was totally anonymous.  And that felt pretty liberating.   I could say what I wanted and not worry about the consequences, beyond being flamed by some stranger who I pissed off.  Not too scary really.  But times have changed a bit.  My blogs' still pretty low-key as far as blogs go.  I don't have a big following, nor have I tried to cultivate one.  But I certainly don't have the same anonymity as when I first started out a few years ago.

Making connections through blogging has been kind of neat.  I've made friends through this blog!  I've connected with people who have used the same donor as us, which is pretty amazing, and may really be great for my kiddos down the line (or not - s'up to them).   This part of blogging has been really wonderful. 

On the flipside -  having people who know me, or who kind of know me read this blog has been tricky too.   I never quite know who reads the blog.  Given that I'm kind of a, you know, gut-spiller, it's possible (more like plausible) that acquaintances and even some friends know wayyyyyyy more about me than I do about them.  Moreover - I never quite know exactly who knows what about my life.   And the not-knowing makes me sit there and wonder.  Have they read the blog?  Do they already think I'm a basketcase?  Do they think I'm self-indulgent?  Inarticulate?  Boring?  A terrible parent?  And so on and so forth.  These little anxieties can crop up.  (I'm sure this comes as a surprise).   Sometimes people will say: "Hey - I read your blog on _______."  And then I can kind of assume that this person does already know I'm a general mess ;)

There's also the added dimension in actual writing of the blogs where I've started self-censoring due to anxiety about what people will think of me.  I try very hard not to do this.  And sometimes, my determination not to self-censor has apparently resulted in people being rather pissed off with me.  Not always welcome by-products of blogging, but by-products nonetheless.  Knowing that friends and family read this, and not wanting to write things that will offend or shock has definitely arisen the less anonymous the blog gets. 

Basket-case-ish, self-indulgent, messy or not, this blog is kind of like an old friend, and unflaggingly me, and I don't know how I'd live without it.  Negotiating anonymity and/or lackthereof is just one of the by-products of blogging - and I'd much rather have to do that than not write at all. 

(Though just for the record, I think in real time I might actually come off as a little less of a mess.)