It's early in the morning. I'm sitting beside the kids on the couch as they watch TV, which, despite my protestations to the contrary, I feel rather guilty about. But that's the only way I get this time to write, when my frazzled and distracted brain will allow, which admittedly of late, isn't very often. (Sorry for that folks).
Today, I'm letting my brain take me temporarily into the land of fantasies I dare not entertain too often. Curious? What, you might ask, do these oh-so-naughty-fantasies consist of? (My, my, what a turn this blog has taken, you might be thinking to yourself.)
Well - the fantasy I've found myself falling into lately, involves some fantastically lusty thoughts about going off to a cabin for the weekend.... all by myself. With some books. Some coffee. And a few bottles of wine. (And maybe some food - though I'm so sick of cooking that a few bags of Doritos might suffice). Having a bit of space and stillness. And time to think. Maybe a fireplace to stare into, a good window to stare out of, a view - but I'm not so picky. Hot, right? I'm sure everyone else is just as turned on as me right now. Yes? Am I right? If I really want to send myself right over the edge, someone could sneak in just to quietly cook for me. (Cook for me. Imagine!) You can feel free to insert the hitting of operatic high C somewhere around here.
I think such fantasizing comes down to my need for a little clarity. I don't know how to think in the constant roar of action and energy. So it feels as though my days just become a series of seconds, minutes, hours strung together in mindless autopilot. Lots of feeling, lots of tending to needs, lots of dealing with here-ness and now-ness and necessities of living. But no time to sit still and take stock. And when I do manage to stop to try and reflect, in moments like these, I cannot fathom how it could ever be possible for me to return to school. I can't even get it together to try and find space and energy to wrap my brain around what my application might look like, how I might focus my work, applications for scholarships. The barest of bare bones of what I need to get started. What I might need to actually finish said PhD is a thought process I dare not let my mind wander to right now. Far, far too terrifying. And besides which, I'm more interested in the process itself than the finishing anyways.
No matter. Such details feel much too far removed from my day-to-day life to be real at the moment. For today, I'll just try to find a few moments to let my mind drift into naughty, lusty cabin thoughts. And let that be enough.