Okay boys and girls. Please prepare yourselves for some mighty shocking news. Disney, the makers of Baby Einstein, would now like us all to know that their videos won't actually make our kids smarter. I know right. You're thinking what I'm thinking. Shiiiiittttttttt. And here we were, diligently sitting our beloved progeny in front of Baby Einstein day after day, expecting them to get an invitation for early membership to MENSA.
As if this blow wasn't enough, there is more to this shocking turn of events. Not only will watching television NOT make your pre-two year old tots smarter, it will actually turn them into stupid, fat, violent offenders in later life. I know. It's a lot to take in. But even as I type, the pediatricians of Canada are preparing to roll out a new policy cautioning against any television viewing for children under the age of two, claiming that it stunts brain development, causes language delays, promotes childhood obesity and, among other things, desensitization to violence in later life. "A screen should not be a babysitter; it's as simple as that" says one of the pediatric experts.
Huh. Why didn't I think of that?
Well I have my own newsflash.
Disney - I never thought watching your product placement videos was going to make my kid smart. I did however plunk his squirmy little butt down in front of one from time to time because I, like many other stay-at-homers, needed a fucking break for 25 minutes.
And to the pediatricians of Canada. Fuck you. Don't insult my intelligence. I don't actually need you to tell me that the television set should not be babysitting my child. (I know that some people may need you to tell them this information, but I'm also willing to wager that they might have bigger problems than their child's television habits to worry about).
I don't also don't need you to tell me that it's healthier for "a live person smiling at the child and interacting with the child." Why? Because I'm not a total moron. My 2.5 year old has been watching a bit of tv here and there (yes, sometimes too much, and I'm painfully aware of that fact without your learned ass judging me for it). But he's pretty freaking clever. And very physically fit, what with the fact that his sojourns in front of the television are pretty much the only times he (and consequently I) stop during the day. He does throw the occasional tantrum (or shoe) on me from time to time, but I'm pretty sure he didn't learn that from the Backyardigans or Zoobamafoo.
I will, however, after your learned recommendation, cut out his CSI Miami time. It's gonna be hard, given his deep and abiding love for the acting skills of David Caruso. (Who taught Oliver to say everything twice, for added dramatic tension).
Seriously. I would like to "respectfully" submit that anyone who spends the day doing nothing but educationally engaging with their children is probably somebody headed for a nervous breakdown.
And I would also like to suggest that perhaps the pediatricians of Canada could stick to making medical recommendations, and leave the moral judgements for those who are better qualified. (Other parents, naturally).
Everything in moderation people. Especially moderation.