the motherload

I know I've been a delinquent blogger.  I'm in a bit of a parenting slump these days.  With possibly some PPD thrown in just for fun.  The days are seeming mighty long.  Lucy still won't take a bottle, and I can't remember the last time I got to be by myself for any length of time.  (I had to take her on my mom's night out.   Thus defeating the purpose of, well, the out part).  I'm way tired.  I'm a little bored.  A little sad.  And fresh out of exciting and innovative parenting ideas.     

I feel guilty about it.  I'll just say that right up front.   And then I'll keep saying it.

I let my kid watch wayyyy too much tv today because I just don't have any creativity and energy left.  Guilty.  (And yes, he's watching tv as I'm typing this.  More guilt).

Even when I am able to make more of a go of it, I feel distracted and restless.  Guilty-guilty-guilty.

I let my kid drink juice and eat sugar because I'm too tired to argue and it makes him happy.  Guilty as charged.

The other day, while running on the treadmill, I fantasized about running away... and it was the only bright spot in my day.  More guilt.

I'm having a hard time enjoying my amazing and wonderful kids.  I am acutely aware that this is not something mothers are supposed to say out loud.  MAJOR guilt.

I feel a bit like I'm stuck in parent prison and there's no possibility of parole for the next twenty years.  I know I signed up for this.  And I love my tots.  I love being a mom.   I'm glad I signed up for this.  Really.

But the work of mothering, the work of loving, the work of nurturing, the work of taking care, feels exhausting right now.  I'm burnt out and in my job, there's no stress leave.  Hell, there isn't even bathroom breaks.  (If this an actual "workplace," I'm pretty sure employment standards would shut this place down for worker exploitation - what with the lack of time off, sick days, pay, benefits and the oodles of forced overtime).

Sigh. 

I'm not feeling so great at my job these days.

Guilt. The motherload.