Okay - so I hadn't heard about "the book" as it is apparently being called, until reading about it on Jezebel (see above. No really. See above). 50 Shades of Grey, which was initially created as Twilight fanfic (yes, that's right kids. Fanfic for Twilight) is the story of a 22 year old virgin (Anastasia) who falls for a 28 year old gazillionaire (Christian) who's into a little bsdm (though from what I could see from the excerpts, in my world, he seems fairly tame - but then again - I haven't read the whole 1200 page first novel. There are also sequels).
So many things bother me about this book and the way it is being described, I don't even know when to start. I should however, point out, that unlike many critics, I don't give a rat's ass about the gendered sexual power dynamics between the two characters. Cause that's how it works. Someone's a top and someone's a bottom. Whatever.
What I do hate, is that this is some seriously bad, bad writing. Really bad. It makes Stephanie Myers and the entire fleet of Harlequin writers look like they should've been awarded a Pulitzer. For example: Anastasia describes giving her first blow job as "surprisingly tasty... [her] own Christian Grey flavoured popsicle." And later, post receiving her first spanking, as Christian applies baby oil to her posterior, Anastastia reflects: "from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid?" Hawt. Because I know that I always enjoy a good product review in my porn. Later on, in case that wasn't enough product reviewing, the phrase: "His words curl around me like a soft fluffy towel from the Heathman Hotel" appear. Again. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. How bout you? There are more examples of the utter ridiculousness of the book, but I think (hope!) these serve to make my point.
I can't even fathom a world in which this is sexy writing. I can't even fathom a world in which this is acceptable writing to publish! And why - why on god's green earth - is this shite referred to as "mommy porn?" It's like we pop out a kid or two and suddenly lose our brains, autonomy, sexual selves AND our ability to recognize good writing (never mind good porn)? But apparently us housewives are eating this shit up. Can it be true? Are we really to blame for making this god-awful writer a soon-to-be gazillionaire? It's too sad to contemplate.
Now - let it be known - I'm no prude. (You're just going to have to take my word for this, well, because I can't really prove it.) But I shudder to think of the idea that this kind of crappy writing (which made me laugh out loud several times) is responsible for the reheating of marriages across North America and the current favourite one-handed read of mommies everywhere. (*yes, yes. It's good that it's making women talk about sex. And blah blah. I get that, I suppose. But I also find it very depressing that 1. we're still in a place where women need the guise of a 'novel' in order to read porn (and I DO mean guise here, folks), and 2. that we can't find ourselves some better porn-y vehicles with which to do this.)
So:
To all bored housewives out there: THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! There is better porn out there. Toppy, bottomy, in the midde-ly. It matters not. Really. For true. I swear it on my soul. With nary a mention of popsicle flavours or the versatility and usefulness of baby oil. Please stop reading this crap. Or at least stop talking about reading this crap in public. It's giving me the heebie-jeebies.
And giving us snobby-about-our-porn (and snobby about other things t00) housewives a really bad name.
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