Tuesday, January 4, 2011

the middle of a muddle

I seem to have started off the New Year with restlessness instead of resolve (though generally I'm totally not the NY resolution type).  Well, to be fair, I might be resolved, if I could only figure out what it is that I needed.

I am bored.  Restless.  Kinda bummed.  Needing something.  A change.  A shake-up.  You know, something.  But what? 

I'm commited to being home, (at least part-time), with the kids.  And I've loved, though it has been incredibly challenging in all kinds of ways, being home full-time with my littles for the past four (four!) years.  But I've spent so long being so focussed on my littles, expended so much energy on the work of caring, and being outwardly focussed that I seem to have lost the sense of what being inwardly focussed might even look like. 

I guess this is a round-about way of saying I'd like to resolve to be more focussed on myself - the only problem being I haven't a freaking clue what I want or need to do.  How's that for a stumper.  And all of the options come with logistical nightmares juggling part-time daycare a one car household. 

There are all sorts of options - each with it's own set of "I dunnos".  I could:

1. look for part-time work that doesn't involve me leaving the house.  There are some potential possibilities in this area. This would undoubtably lead to a paycheck and greater sense of self and accomplishment.  And no childcare and car shuffling dilemmas.  Hooray for that bit.  BUT - this also leads to the continuation of my full-time home and childcare workload, with an added part-time job workload added on.  So - we can think of option A here as working in my sleep.  Greater sense of self worth, bit more money, but far less sanity.  Not exactly ideal.

2.  Look for part-time schooling (distance ed).  Same issues as above.  Plus the added dilemma of 'what the hell do I want to study?' 

3.  find part-time work outside of the home.  Benefits include leaving the house (YAY!), paycheck, greater sense of self-worth, etc. etc.  Deficits include:  How do I find a good childcare spot that still make it financially beneficial for me to leave the house?  How do L. and I manage drop-offs, pick-ups and work schedules with one car? (and no, buying a second car is absolutely not an option).

4.  find part-time school outside of the home.  Same benefits.  Plus, the added bonus of nurturing my inner-super-nerd.  I do miss my inner-super-nerd.  Deficits as above.  Plus the added crappiness of my inner-super-nerd being an uber-over-achiever.  Lots of homework.  Lots of research.  Lots of extra home-time spent on homework and research.  And the dilemma of what to study?  I've tossed around massage therapy, Masters in Library Science, an MSW... the list goes on.

5.  try for full-time schooling outside of the home.  The PhD.  (I can hear my inner-nerd singing her heart out).   Highly competitive.  While actual hours in class (thus with littles in childcare) might be part-time-ish, the actual hours of work would be full-time-plus.  (I did mention I was an overachiever, right?) 

6.  maintain the status quo.   Which seems to be working okay -you know,  except for that whole bummed and restless thingy.

And I have no freaking clue which number to choose.

The middle of a muddle indeed.


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