Thanks for sticking with me during the many crises of faith 2011 seems to have bestowed upon me. (And even more than that, thanks for all the commiserating and votes of confidence. It's really lovely to know that others have been where I am now). I certainly seem to have hit a wall. Um, hello wall.
I'm trying to get some perspective, and think of this big ole brick wall as a good thing. It's a definite sign. Time for some changes in my life. Status quo doesn't seem to be working anymore. Time for... well, time for me, I guess. I don't know what I need to do yet. There hasn't been any big thunderbolt or "aha!" moment. But I have figured out that I have a pretty serious case of caregiver fatigue. In between toting that extra kid to school everyday and shovelling out my perennially gone next door neighbour and caring for my own tots and volunteering on the sexual assault line... I'm all cared out. And that's putting it mildly.
So - step one in self care has been to put myself on a leave of absence for the sexual assault line. I may or may not continue to tote that extra kid in the mornings (on the fence on that one). The neighbour I can't really do anything about - so I'll just have to deal. And I'd kind of like to keep my kids.
Step two is going to be finding something to do at least once a week that's just for me. Me. ME. Something that involves no caring of any kind, for anything or anyone. A once-weekly moratorium on care-age. Right about now, it sounds like HEAVEN.
And from there ... who knows.
I'll let you all know when the thunderbolt strikes.